I can think of countless times when I realized I wasn’t merely being looked at. I was being watched.

When this happens, the focus leaves the outer presentation of my body. My mind begins to channel the energy of the other person. His eyes. His body. His stare. I become focused on his essence.

My breathing gets deeper. My body slightly warms. My mind goes into overdrive somewhere between lust and curiosity, drenched in desire.

I unconsciously surrender the part of myself that wants to control the way I am being perceived.

My body.

My posture.

The learned etiquette of what makes a good first impression.

My ego.

I’m not leaving the sensations of my body. It’s actually the opposite. My mind shifts from How am I being perceived? to How does this make me feel, and where?

When I’m truly in the thick of an interaction like this, I’m not aware of my posture or being exposed. I hold his gaze.

There is an unspoken language that both of us understand. It directs the entire interaction. It isn’t loud or quiet. It just exists.

Domination to submission. Gentleness to aggression. Pleasure to pain. Seduction to curiosity.

We ride off the energy of the moment.

Desire has a strong pull on the conscious mind. It pulls me into the realms of the parts of my mind that I can’t control. Maybe it’s my curious nature wanting to explore the unknown.

There is something thrilling about knowing nothing about the man in front of you and having to discover him in real time.

In some men their breathing slows. In others it speeds up. It’s in those moments that I know what energy I need to move with.

I match energy. Being balanced in this way allows for a more intimate moment because it is tailored to the experience. Each man is unique and brings a different set of rules.

I have a way of being consciously unconscious of this.

Something takes over and I go with it.

If I sense he wants pleasure, I take it there. If he wants pure objectification, I go there. But to reach that point, I have to feel like I’m being desired just as much as I desire him.

When I’m taking the lead, I feel that through his touch. His gaze. The way he submits to the moment and lets me take control. The way he breathes. The way his body jolts, craving more.

When I’m taking the backseat, I want him to read me with that same attention. His presence in the moment. The passion expressed in his actions. The way his words are tailored toward what’s happening between us.

I am aware, but not mentally aware.

It’s the energy that my body gets saturated in.

I like to please. Knowing I can influence another person’s pleasure turns me on. It’s like show and tell. Show me what you brought, and then it’s my turn to do the same.

Words can be powerful when the energy behind them matches the action.

Words without action are nothing to me.

Charisma goes a long way for me, and so does intention. I like a man who knows what he wants because I know what I want as well.

When a man understands my desires without me saying a thing, I feel connected. We both understand the assignment. We’re energetically matched.

And when he surprises me, it turns me on even more.

It’s the element of surprise. I always explore it. That’s how I become more versed in the moment.

Not everyone evokes my body the same.

Each person has something unique in his sensuality and sexuality, and I want to uncover him as he uncovers parts of me.

Parts of my sexuality that I know exist but haven’t always allowed to come out. Parts that have been repressed. Deeper intuitions or desires yearning to have a reason to express themselves.

I learn parts of myself I hadn’t before.

I meet parts of myself I hadn’t before.

There is one man I remember vividly.

He was a hunk of a man with a beautiful body. During a hookup, things usually tend to move fast. But he told me to slow down.

We’re in no rush.

It was just the two of us in that moment. We had plenty of time to explore everything we desired.

I found that communication extremely erotic.

It allowed me to move into a place of presence and reduced any stress at the beginning. It tranquilized my inhibitions and brought us onto the same level.

I felt even more presence in my body.

His hands holding my waist.

His lips pressed to my skin.

The way his breath warmed the back of my neck.

I became intensely aware of my sensations.

I wanted to surrender further into the bliss.

When you hit a certain level of intimacy, you can always take it deeper. Not necessarily by doing more, but by reaching a new level of understanding or perspective. Maybe it’s feeling a new sensation or intensity you hadn’t before. Releasing your mind. Allowing yourself to create more space between you and a limit.

From there, we built something beautiful.

It was like we were artists with a blank canvas. With every stroke and added paint, we built an intricate masterpiece.

At times I want to unfold.

Other times I want to just have fun.

At the core, I think I’m searching to create.

I know what I am capable of bringing to the table. What I want is someone who can create a world with me that only the two of us get to have access to.

A place only we get to know what being there feels like.

I don’t go into it expecting one end-all, be-all experience. I stay open-minded. I explore what surprises me. I allow the person in front of me to evoke whatever part of my sexuality responds to him.

And hopefully I do the same for him.

After the bliss of the energy exchange, I replay moments. The moments he expressed what turned him on. The moments that turned me on. The things his body told me. The things mine told him. The unexpected places we took each other.

Each experience teaches me something new.

Not because every man gives me the same thing.

Because he doesn’t.

And for a moment, we get to create something that could only ever exist between the two of us.